PREGNANCY LOOKS DIFFERENT ON EVERYONE

It's been a rocky road to get to this conclusion...

IT'S OK IF YOU DO NOT LIKE PREGNANCY!

My first pregnancy was pretty stock standard. I was feeling nauseated and vomiting daily for the first 15 weeks or so, felt pretty good for the remainder of the second trimester and had many aches and pains in the third trimester. Doesn't sound too bad, right? I still hated it. It honestly felt like no-one understood how I could dislike such a miracle, that I was ungrateful for not enjoying the time I spent growing my son. 

When my son was born I felt instant relief! I think I was just so happy to not be dealing with the discomfort and "trapped" feeling of pregnancy that anything in comparison would have been enjoyable. My partner and I worked as a team, we faced hurdles, overcame them and really listened to each other. The newborn period with Teddy was one of the best experiences of my life to date. 

Despite this positive attitude towards being a parent, my partner and I were always very back and forth about the idea of adding another to our family. We enjoyed Teddy so much that parenting felt easy, why risk ruining that by adding another little person? Ultimately, it came down to whether we wanted Teddy to grow up with a sibling, whether we wanted the responsibility of being all the family our son had each day. 18 months after birthing our first baby, we decided to go for it, but I couldn't help but feel incredibly anxious about going through pregnancy all over again. 

We were very fortunate to have no issues conceiving once again (I know many people who have had to struggle to have a family and will ALWAYS feel grateful I have not had to worry about this). I started feeling unwell at around 3 weeks - much earlier than my first pregnancy. It escalated very quickly and at 4 weeks I had my first trip to emergency for fluids and medication. I hadn't been able to keep a thing down for 2 days straight but I still felt like I was being a hypochondriac. The following 20 weeks were by far the hardest of my life so far. My partner was away for work for 3 months, COVID-19 resulted in no daycare and no family assistance with my 2 year old son and I experienced constant nausea and vomiting - broken up by frequent hospital trips for fluids. The nausea calmed down a bit at 25 weeks allowing me to come off medications, but I definitely still have my bad days now at 36 weeks. 

The worst part of the entire experience was the extreme guilt and loneliness I was feeling. It felt impossible to keep dragging myself and my son through each day and I considered abortion often. It felt like no one understood, it felt like I was being judged, it felt like I was a terrible mum. Many times people told me that it was just morning sickness and would pass, it was in my head and I just needed to think positive and push through it, I should be enjoying my last pregnancy. 

When I was finally diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum a weight definitely lifted. I still felt awful and people still didn't understand how I couldn't just snap out of it, but I was able to be easier on myself for not getting anything done in a day.  

I was able to connect with other women who had dealt with this before or were currently struggling alongside me. Knowing I was not alone was everything! 

The point of this is not to share my sob story and get some sympathy, it's to reach out to anyone disliking their pregnancy for any reason and let them know IT'S OK! It's ok to struggle with the nausea and fatigue, it's ok to dislike the bits you're meant to like (like your baby kicking your bladder for hours each day). You are not alone, you are not a monster and it does not mean that you will dislike being a parent. 

If you ever need to vent, I'm here to listen! Never hesitate to reach out to people when you're struggling to get through x